I Am Not My Hair

Let the battle begin! No - I'm not talking about a battle with cancer. I'm talking about the battle with my hair! I am finally beginning to get a good bit of hair on my head and it is wild. It is definitely curly and has a mind of it's own. It sticks out every which way it chooses and no gel or mousse can control it. I have bedhead extraordinaire!

I have pretty much given up hats and scarves, though I have to admit I feel kinda naked without them. I still wear them sometimes because my head gets cold and because I think I look strange with short hair. It's funny - but people are having trouble recognizing me! They are used to the hats and scarves and seeing me with short hair is a whole different look. You'd think after six months I'd have more hair than I do! That's right - it's been six months since my last chemo! It's gonna take awhile to get some length - and I wonder if it will ever be as long as it was before chemo. I don't recognize that lady in my mirror either.

But it is hair.... and it is progress.... and it will keep growing :)

The expansion process is going smoothly and I think I am done with injections. (It's kinda weird trying to decide how big you want your boobs to be...) I am pleased with the results thus far and it looks like the exchange surgery will be in late May or early June. They still feel very foreign on my chest but I assume they will eventually become a part of me. I am missing the way hugs used to feel. It now feels as if there is a pillow or something between me and the other person and I keep thinking I want to pull them closer. I hate that. Remind me that it is a small price to pay in order to have any hugs at all.

I forgot to mention that the feeling in my fingers has finally returned (thank-goodness!) but the toes are still numb. At my six-month check-up, the doctor said it could take up to a year for the toes to get better. I am used to it now and it doesn't bother me so much (hopefully the same will be true of the boobs someday) but I do wish they would re-gain feeling. Isn't it amazing, that six months later, I am still feeling side effects from those damn chemo drugs?

Ahhh... but it is springtime. The sun is shining and the flowers are blooming. I put the top down yesterday and took a long drive out to the lake and soaked up as much vitamin D as I could. There is nothing like a good dose of sunshine to brighten my mood. I may be numb in several places, but I can still feel the sun and the wind on my face.

And it is glorious.



BTW - The title of this blog post, "I Am Not My Hair," is the title of a great song by India Arie. If you have a minute, check out this song and it's lyrics on Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZH6lKxA_q0

Cancerversary

Yesterday was my "Cancerversary." One year ago the doctor called to say the biopsy from my breast was positive for invasive ductal carcinoma. Upon hearing the news my husband said, “I’m sorry.” I replied, “Don’t say you’re sorry. Just say we’ll fix it.” In my head I was thinking a small surgery to remove the tumor… maybe a little radiation therapy. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine 6 rounds of chemo and a double mastectomy were in my future.

Wow - I can’t believe it's been a whole year! Thank you to everyone who has supported me and my family during this time. Your help and your words of encouragement mean more than you will ever know.

It has been a long journey and it isn’t over yet. I’ve learned a lot of things and accomplished many milestones. When I think back over the last year, there were some pretty bad days. I find that I am much stronger in many ways, more vulnerable in others.

It is difficult to process the journey of cancer and what it means for my life. Who am I now that I have survived cancer? What am I here for? What brings me joy? What is most important in my life? I've been granted this time; what do I use it for?

Those answers will come; I know they will. For now - I'm just glad to be here.