Missing Parts

I miss my breasts.

There, I said it.

Don’t get me wrong, the reconstruction is going just fine and things look good. I have great doctors, I am happy and have no regrets about my decision. You might even call the perkiness of my new breasts an improvement over the old. Yet, they are very round-looking and they will never look like what mother-nature gave me.

I try to keep a good attitude about my Foobs (Fake Boobs), but the adjustment to this new body is hard. I know things will get somewhat better after we get rid of the expanders, but the truth is I miss my old body. Having the expanders is kinda like wearing a coconut shell bra UNDER your skin. On second thought – it is EXACTLY like that.

The foobs don’t move or bounce or jiggle. They are Barbie boobs. When I lie on my side, I’m used to my breasts draping towards the bed. Now they stick straight out like a metal Viking bra! The foobs get in the way of my arms sometimes and I still haven’t found the best position for sleep. It’s all very weird and uncomfortable.

I am including a picture of the expanders that are in my breasts. You can see the oval plastic collar and the metal ring. Think about having that under you skin! Again – I know the permanent implants will be softer, but I can’t see that it will be a drastic difference. I am truly, truly thankful and glad to have foobs versus no boobs, but I really, really miss my squishy, jiggly, movable breasts. A lot.

I miss my hair. The short hair makes me feel old and matronly and I have come to the realization that it will be another year before it has any length. Everyone said it would come back thicker than it was before, but so far, that is far from the truth. Sigh. The hair is very thin and I can still see lots of my scalp. I feel like Miss Jane from the Beverly Hillbillies! I have even taken to wearing hats again. Please, I loved my thick hair more than anything and I want it back – curly or straight, I don’t care. Just don’t leave me with a half bald head.

Come to think of it, the two things I have always liked best about my personal appearance were my breasts and my hair. Now they both have changed in a major way.

I am tired of being the cancer patient now and I want to get back to normal. The problem is, I can never get back to the person I was before the cancer. The sooner I let go of that idea, the better off I will be. So what is normal for me now? As you can see, I am having an internal struggle with the external presentation - among other things. So, if I see you, I will smile and tell you I am feeling much better these days (and I really am). I will tell you that I’m thrilled with the reconstruction (and I really am). But just know that there is still a part of me working to convince myself that I am happy with this new normal.

You may have heard the saying, “Going through the motions changes the emotions.”

Well... I’m going.