This Week's Mantra

Losing your hair is not a tragedy. Losing your hair is not a tragedy. Losing your hair is not a tragedy….

More details to come.

Living Large

I feel great.

I feel NORMAL and that feels great. It’s amazing how a little taste of illness can make a normal, average day suddenly seem spectacular.

Memorial Day weekend was a load of fun. The sailing club hosted a regatta over the weekend and we had a number of out of town boats that attended. All of the sailors are good, old friends who have been coming to our Memorial Day regatta for years. Once again, I am reminded of how many bright, fun-loving and caring people I am lucky enough to call friends.

I did not race on any of the boats this weekend. I wasn’t sure how I would be feeling so I didn’t commit to crewing for anyone. But as Commodore of the club (or “Commodorable” as some call me) I was present on the shore for most of the event. We started off with a “Welcome Aboard” party Friday night. It gave me the chance to say hello to all of the out-of-towners and to show everyone how well I had survived chemo number one. I was almost tempted to have a beer but I was feeling so good I decided not to risk it!

The racing started on Saturday morning but I didn’t drive out to the lake until noon or so. Just as I got there all of the boats were coming into the docks for a break in the action. As I was walking down to the docks to say hello, a friend hurried past me and said, “I love all of the pink ribbons!” I thought to myself, “What in the heck is she talking about?”

As I got closer to the docks, I realized that every boat had a PINK RIBBON trailing off the back of its boom! Thirty plus sailboats were flying pink in honor of ME!! Turns out Ben, my husband, was responsible for the whole thing. He bought rolls of ribbon and passed it out to everyone. Was that sweet or what?? It was one of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had! I felt very loved and supported by my friends. Ben definitely gets to put some brownie points in the bank for this one.

After the racing wrapped up on Sunday, we invited a large group of sailors to our house for dinner. We ate, swapped stories, and laughed. Late in the evening, our talented friend, Rob, picked up an unused Martin guitar that lives at our house and began to play. He was fabulous - especially when he played his own original songs. I finally broke down and had a few drinks which led to a little bit of dancing on the kitchen floor:) We played around until 3:00 in the morning - yikes! It was such a treat to have good friends and live music in our home; I had so much fun! The music and the company were really good food for the soul.

I feel great.

The Scar

I went to see my surgeon yesterday for one last check of the lumpectomy incision. It has healed well and the seroma is gone - no more fluid underneath. My doctor was in a jovial mood and ran his fingers through my hair. Said he wanted to touch it one last time before it all goes away. I think he is pleased with his work and the resulting scar. He knew my anxiety about the scar's prominence on my chest. With a big smile on his face, he asked me if I had worn any of my low cut blouses yet. I said that yes I had indeed and that the scar stayed nicely hidden! I think it's fair to say that my surgeon likes breasts - and that's a good thing!

I haven't said much here about the scar. I am also pleased with the result. I am still able to wear some "sexy" tops without the scar showing (it's the little things in life). And what the heck - I don't think I will mind showing it now and then. It is much better than I ever imagined. I can't believe I ever contemplated a mastectomy! I am so happy to have my breast! I definitely made the right choice for me.

Hope everyone has a happy Memorial Day weekend! Summer time is here! Wahoo!

Better

I continue to improve. Each day is better than the last. The chemo leaves you with a tiredness like you've never felt before. All I can say is thank goodness for sunshine! I can't imagine having to do this in the dead of winter. I'm sure the heat will eventually wear me out, but right now the light is good for my attitude!

Moving forward...

Cranky

Today's forecast: Bone tired, cranky, easily irritated.

I put the top down on the car, donned my "cancer sucks" ball cap and drove out to the lake. I do love the wind in my face. Sat by the shore and watched the sail boats come and go. That was about all the energy I could summon on this gorgeous day. I managed a little conversation with those who wandered close by before driving back home.

Next on the agenda - food, shower, hit the sheets and call it a day.

The 1st Chemo Day

A few more details about the first day of chemo...

Tuesday night before the first treatment, I went to Hot Springs for a meeting and went out for a few drinks with friends. It was such a wonderful time. It was so good to get away and relax for one night and put all the cancer stuff out of my head. The conversation was wonderful and the support and encouragement I got prepared me to face the challenge ahead. It was a lovely evening and a shot in the arm. I have to say, it was kinda funny when we got kicked out of the hotel parking lot at midnight by the hotel staff :)

Wednesday evening my sister drove down from Nashville, TN and brought me the cutest gift! When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I kept saying that I needed everyone to "circle the wagons and shoot!" It was my way of saying that I needed my friends and family to gather around me and help me get through all of this cancer stuff. My sister Janet wrote to me saying, "I've got your back covered and I am a good shot," and signed it Annie Oakley. So, for my gift she brought 3 toy covered wagons and some little cowboys and prairie-people. She set up a little diorama of circled wagons and picked toy characters to represent everyone in our family. She even had a woman character with guns that looked just like an Annie Oakley figure! On the outside of the circle there were two bulls to represent the cancer that everyone wants to kills. Wasn't that great? I got such a laugh! I am going to keep them circled until we get the "all clear sign."

We got up on Thursday and had a leisurely morning. At around 10:00 we went to a place at St. Vincent's Hospital called New Outlook. It is a wig and supply store for women going through chemotherapy. It feels a little silly, but I tried on a few wigs. I tried long hair and short hair. I even tried on a platinum blond look! In the end I walked away with a shorter brown wig that should be more suitable for the summer months. And here's the kicker - it was free! They provide every woman with one free wig. Of course, we left a donation anyway (well - my sister did) but what a nice service! Not sure how much I'll wear it... but you can't beat the price! We also managed to pick up a few scarves and hats through out the day at different places.

A quick bite of lunch and then on to the infusion center at UAMS for chemo number one. My appointment was for 12:00 noon and I didn't get in to the infusion room until almost 3:00. Ugh! We waited around for almost 3 hours!!! At first, something happened to my orders from the doctor's office. They hadn't been sent down like they were supposed to be. Secondly, the pharmacy was short staffed and backed up. I was so anxious by the time we started that my blood pressure was really high. I'm really glad my sister was there for this first visit.

The infusion itself was pretty quick. First, they gave me 7 anti nausea pills to take!! Then three different drugs were administered via IV within an hour. I left feeling okay and decided it was fine for me to go to Eli's 6:00 baseball game. About an hour into it - here came the nausea. I stuck it out for the end of the game and made it home. I took some pills and ate a baked potato which seemed to help. I think I waited a little too late to eat dinner. I was pretty miserable until about 10:30 until I was finally able to go to sleep.

Slept til 9:00 the next morning when Janet woke me up to drink some fluids. One of the drugs is supposed to be bad for your bladder and the more liquids you drink, the better. The nausea was gone but I felt like I had a bad hangover. I slept a lot today and feel decent this evening - especially after the wonderful dinner my sister cooked.

I'm hoping I've gone through the worst of it by now. The nausea was bad, but the hangover part was tolerable. Some people say the worst hits in 48 hours.... so we shall see!

1 Down, 5 To Go

Just a brief post to say I am doing okay. The chemo day was a long one. Got really nauseous between 7:00 and 10:00 p.m. but managed not to throw up! I put myself in a drug induced coma and slept it off. So far today, I feel like I have a bad hang over. Lord knows I've suffered through many of those before, so surely I can make it through this!

More details on the chemo day later - just wanted everyone to know that I am coping okay.

The Scary Date Is Set

Okay - I've committed to Thursday, May 15th to start chemotherapy. My appointment is at 12:00 noon. Weird time, huh? Setting the date somehow makes me feel less nervous about it all.

My sister, Janet, will be coming down from Nashville, TN to go with me. It will be great to have her company. Plus, we will try to squeeze in some time for wig and scarf shopping :)

Here we go......... !!!!

Radiation and Chemo

I had an appointment with the radiation doctor this past week. Radiation is something you must do to prevent a local recurrence if you have a lumpectomy, like I did. I was really puzzled why my surgeon wanted me to see the radiation specialist because that usually comes AFTER chemotherapy. Turns out, they want to enroll me in a clinical trial of partial breast radiation versus whole breast radiation. They are doing research to see if radiating the lumpectomy site alone is as effective as radiating the whole breast.

Conventional whole breast radiation requires you to be treated once a day, five days a week, for 5-7 weeks. The partial breast radiation is different. You receive radiation treatment twice a day for 5 days and then you are done. They also do it BEFORE chemo. Now I finally understand why I was sent to see the radiation doctor so soon!

The short time frame of the partial breast radiation is appealing... but they only have five years of data to show that it is a viable option. While I would like to help out in the name of research - I just don't think this trial is for me. If I lived far away from a treatment center that made daily treatments problematic, then maybe I'd be willing to give it a go. But the treatment center is less than 2 miles from my office and maybe 10 miles from my house. Going there every day for 5 weeks won't be a problem. I think I'll stick with the conventional treatment and choose whole breast radiation. That will come after chemo.

Speaking of chemo... I may start sooner rather than later. Because of holidays and other commitments, I may start on Thursday, May 15. That's next Thursday! I had said I wanted one more week of healing, but the calendar is pushing me. I am *sleeping* on the idea this weekend and will decide by Monday morning if that's what I want to do.

Another reason to start is that the waiting is making me anxious. Sometimes my imagination is my worst enemy! Left to ponder, I can make things much worse in my mind than they are in reality! Every time I really think about the chemo I start to feel nauseated and develop a mild headache. I think I just need to get started before I work myself into a frenzy!!

I'll post my decision on Monday.

Chemo Looms

Well, I haven’t posted in awhile so let me catch everyone up to date.

The healing is going well and I came back to work on Monday. The work I left behind is still there and waiting to be finished. Blah.

The burns have faded (thank goodness) and have been replaced with itchiness! The soreness is slowly getting better and my range of motion is great. I am pretty darn pleased with the scar. It’s long, it’s prominent on my chest – but as far as scars go, it is a fine one. My badge of courage.

I went back to the surgeon on Wednesday. There is still fluid under my incision which is pretty normal – technically it’s called a seroma. He had to drain it again, but less fluid came out than last time; a good sign that it is shrinking.

Later that same day, I had a visit with the medical oncologist, Dr. Hutchins. I think I’ve mentioned before that Dr. Hutchins is chair of the oncology department and oversees the oncology fellowship program. Once again, I feel like I have one of the best doctors available; I like her a lot. She is a polar opposite of my surgeon. Whereas he is brisk and authoritative, she is mild and takes her time.

Many of the decisions in cancer treatment are based on numbers – and they’ve been keeping numbers on breast cancer for many, many years. The bottom line is this – taking chemo improves my survival rate from 84% to 92% - an 8% gain. So heck yeah – I have to do it. She is recommending 6 cycles of chemo – once every three weeks. We will do three rounds of one “cocktail” and three rounds of another. The first three rounds are known as FEC (short hand for the three different drugs involved) and the last three rounds will be a drug called Taxotere. They both come with the fully expected range of side effects – and yes – I will lose my hair. Knew that was coming – right?

If you have a burning desire to know the details about either drug, you can check out the following links:
FEC - http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Treatments/Chemotherapy/Combinationregimen/FEC
Taxotere - http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Treatments/Chemotherapy/Individualdrugs/Docetaxel


Dr. Hutchins says we can start anytime I’m ready. Gulp. I am not ready. I am scared.

I went home after the appointment and threw myself into total denial. I didn’t look at a calendar; I didn’t google the drugs to learn more about them. No, I turned on the tv and watched horrible reality shows for three hours without moving. I watched “Wife Swap,” “The Super Nanny,” and “The Barbara Walters Special” on her new, tell-all memoir. Serious denial. I just couldn’t bear to think about any of it.

Dr. Hutchins gave me some other information during the appointment that was hard to hear. I asked her how we monitor for a recurrence after all the treatments are done. We can’t realistically scan my body every six months, right? The answer is, other than ongoing mammograms, you simply wait for symptoms to appear. You wait because early detection of metastases isn’t important. Metastases aren’t usually curable – no matter how soon you start treating them. Ouch.

Bring on the chemo.

First, I’d like at least one more week of healing under my belt. Next, I have to look at the calendar. Since everybody responds differently to chemo, it’s hard to decide what day to start. Some people have reactions the night after they are infused. Others don’t feel bad until 48 hours later. How will I react? And do I want to try and spend weekends recovering? Or should I give up time at work so I can be with my family on the weekends? There are too many unknowns and I have already told you about my trouble with decision making.

I am a slow thinker. It’s gonna take me a few days to figure this all out. But I guess it’s safe to say that chemo will begin in a couple of weeks – most likely sometime the week of May 19. The sooner I get started… the sooner we can quit.

I read that Mohammed Ali once said, “I hated every minute of training, but suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.” Seems like a fitting motto for chemo. Think I’ll adopt it.

Burn Pics

(**UPDATE** These photos don't look the same on all computer monitors. On some monitors, you can barely tell the burns are there. Trust me - the burns were very red in real life!)

Just thought I'd give you a peek at my burns so you can have lots of sympathy for me. The incisions look pretty good... the burn is another thing all together!

My arm pit:

Ouchy!

Adhesive Burns

Well... I still didn't make it to work today. I was very uncomfortable all night long and couldn't sleep - even with pain meds. This morning, I realized that my breast and underarm are burned. Some small areas are even blistered and oozing. I am obviously allergic to the adhesive that is used to attach the steri-strips to my skin. They spread the "glue" all over your skin before they attach the strips. All the areas touched by the glue have turned red.

I am uncomfortable moving around without a sports bra on for support and my skin couldn't handle the tightness of the bra touching it. So I stayed in bed wearing a light pajama top. I also cut off some of the unnecessary ends of the steri-strips. It's feeling better this afternoon.

Just have to see what the night brings before I know how I'll feel tomorrow.