Bubbles!

Not all my cancer journey memories are bad ones. In fact, chemotherapy helped me to rediscover the pleasures of a bath. Now honestly - when is the last time you took a bubble bath? I took several luxurious soaks in a tub full of bubbles during my last recovery period. I had truly forgotten how fun it could be! I felt playful and childlike, then womanly and flirtatious. The bubbles felt so soft and silky against my skin. First, I built a bikini out of bubbles to cover all my “lovely bits” and then I added a glamorous, white mink stole that slid gracefully off my shoulders. My toenails, painted resilient red, were a beautiful contrast to the white sparkling foam as I pointed my leg up in the air like an old-fashioned movie star and watched the bubbles spiral down. Squeal! It’s fun to be a girl!

The bubbles were a gift from my colleagues at the National Alliance of Children Trust Funds. While the warm wishes came from everybody, the actually gift shopping was done by my friend, Martha Reeder. She is a good listener and took notice when I mentioned I liked to take long hot bathes when recovering from chemo. So thank you, Martha, for helping me to remember a simple pleasure I had forgotten.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

THE GOOD – My taste buds are back! Everything tastes really good to me. So good, in fact, that I find myself overeating at every meal. In fact, I am ravenous! I guess my body is rebuilding and needs the extra fuel. Having whacked out taste buds is really bizarre. It feels like you are chewing food wrapped up in a piece of gauze. Sometimes you can get a hint of taste coming through, but mostly it feels like chewing on tasteless cotton. Other times, it doesn’t taste the way you anticipate or remember the food to be. You put a piece of chocolate in your mouth expecting creamy goodness and instead it is bitter and feels like glue on your tongue! Yes – having my taste buds back is a true joy!


THE BAD – the numbness in my hands and feet is still present. In fact, it may be getting worse. I can hardly button a shirt or put on my earrings. In addition, my nail beds are really sore. I know it’s weird to say I have fingers that are both numb AND sore at the same time, but that’s how it is. I’m thinking it will be a few more weeks before I have full sensation again. The cankles are mostly gone, but I still have some mild swelling in my feet and legs. They are worse at the end of the day, naturally.


THE UGLY – My tummy is way bigger than it used to be! Some of it may be water retention like the ankles, but in general I have gained about 7-8 pounds since I started chemo. It’s not very attractive when your stomach sticks out further than your boobs! Of course they are 45 year old boobs that are racing towards my navel, but still! If my stomach is still bigger than my boobs after the reconstruction – then we will really have a problem! Even my “fat” jeans are feeling snug. (And all the ladies know what I mean when I refer to the fat jeans.) I was considering the surgery where they use your stomach tissue to reconstruct your breasts, but the surgeon says there’s really not enough there for two breasts. (Did he really look at my stomach???) So I either need to start binging so I can grow another breast or I need to get that exercise program going pretty quickly!

Cankles!

What a week this has been. First, I thought I would be through with side effects by now, but strangely enough my legs, ankles, and feet have become really swollen. It’s terrible - I have cankles! After putting up with it for several days I called the doctor to see if it was normal and how much longer I could expect it to last. They had me come in for a blood test and an x-ray to make sure my heart was not enlarged and it appears everything was okay. I’ve been propping my feet up every night and I think it has helped. The swelling has improved, but it is still present. My legs look and feel really funny – cankles are sooo attractive. Oh well - just call me the side effect queen! Ugh -I think I’ve had every side effect possible.

In addition to seeing the doctor for the swelling, I have had four other doctor appointments this week. I saw the eye doctor Monday, a breast surgeon on Tuesday, a pain specialist on Wednesday and the plastic reconstruction surgeon on Thursday. Good grief. I will also see a gynecologist next Monday.

The bulk of my doctor visits relate to the bilateral mastectomy. If you’ll remember, I have been diagnosed with the BRCA2 breast cancer gene mutation. That means I have a 64% chance of developing breast cancer AGAIN by age 70. Furthermore, the gene leaves me with a 44% chance of developing ovarian cancer by age 70. I have decided that these risks are too great and the removal of my ovaries and breast tissue is the best defense. The question now is – how?

There are about a dozen different ways to remove your breasts and rebuild them. So I have a lot of decisions to make. There are different techniques for removing the tissue and different options of rebuilding. You can have a skin sparing mastectomy, a nipple sparing mastectomy, a subcutaneous mastectomy. You can rebuild using implants or you can rebuild using tissue from your stomach, your butt, or your back! You can choose to create a new nipple and tattoo the areola, you can try to save your own nipple, or you can decide not to have nipples at all! There are soooo many options. And of course each option comes with its own set of pros and cons.

I was hoping to have my ovaries removed at the same time as the mastectomy and reconstruction, but the first surgeon has said no to this idea. That means I am facing three separate surgeries – one to remove the breasts and put in tissue expanders, one to remove the expanders and put in the permanent implants, and one more to remove my ovaries. That’s a lot of surgery.

I am only in the information gathering stage so I have no idea what or when this will all occur. I certainly have a lot of decisions to make… and a lot more appointments to attend. I’m thinking of getting a cot and moving into the Cancer Research Center!

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The First Day

I have neglected to let everyone know that I made it past the fever! I am over the last hump! It only lasted a few days this time and the bone pain was less severe. I had a bit of a melt down Wednesday night as I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. In fact, I've been emotional all week. I find myself tearing up over the slightest thing - a report on the hurricane evacuees, a dead plant in my front yard, a touching act on America's Got Talent (I'm not kidding.)

I'm not sure if it's fatigue, hormones or what. I think maybe the stress of this whole ordeal is finally letting loose. My doctor warned me that I might have some feelings of sadness and she was right. I don't feel depressed - just emotional. I was unsteady there for a few days and I couldn't really tell you why. Part of the emotion is just a big feeling of relief - knowing I have reached the finish line for this leg of the race. Part of it is knowing that you got a scary glimpse of death and that you aren't ready to go there yet. I will save that discussion for another day.

God - I am done with chemo!!!!! I am just now really beginning to appreciate that it's over.

I found I have lost a great deal of strength and stamina. My legs are like wet noodles and walking up the stairs leaves me winded and my thighs burning! How did this happen? I can't stand or walk for very long without my legs starting to shake. In addition, I am experiencing some fairly intense neuropathy in my hands and feet (a chemo side effect) and if I stand too long my feet start to get that pins and needles feeling. I had great intentions of going to Washington D.C. this Monday for a meeting, but I realized that I am just too weak. I'm really disappointed that I couldn't attend the meeting but I don't think I could make it through the airport without collapsing. I took a trip to Wal-Mart on Saturday and had to take a 2 hour nap when I got back! It's gonna take some time.... and exercise.... before I regain my strength.

I was pretty weak Thursday and Friday but I probably could have made it to work for part of the day. I decided that I needed the time for myself instead. I did some short errands and tried to reclaim my house from the mess that has piled up during my last recovery. I unpacked the suitcase that has been sitting on the floor since my hospital stay. I did all my laundry and put it away. I did all the things I need to do to be ready for work on Monday. It is time to start back on the path to normalcy.

I have to tell ya, Monday feels like the first day of the rest of my life.

Here we go....

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Still Here

So here we go again. The low grade fever continues. I went to the doctor's office for a blood draw and chest x-ray and everything checks out okay. I got sent home with antibiotics to wait and see what happens next.

I hate the fever. It makes me feel rotten. Maybe I am just a big baby, but the minute my temperature goes up I feel like the world is ending. I'm uncomfortable lying down, uncomfortable sitting up. I don't want to talk, I don't want to move, I don't want to be awake. Do other people tolerate it this poorly?

Ahhh... but I have the percocet and they do make me feel much better.

Just a few more days and this will all be gone. Just a few more days and this will all be gone. Just a few more days and this will all be gone. Stay tuned.

Recovery Road

Thanks for all your comments!!! They have definitely helped! This recovery has been going smoothly and I have been feeling decent - until today, that is. Today I have that pesky, low grade fever. And there is a small cough. Sigh. I will call the doctor Monday morning to see what she says. PLEASE, PLEASE don't make me go to the hospital again.

More later....

Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are!

TUESDAY IS THE LAST CHEMO!!! Wahoooooo!!!

I fully dread it but I am SO glad to be at the finish line.

So - in honor of the last chemo, I am requesting that
ALL READERS LEAVE A COMMENT ON THIS POST. I'm serious ya'll.

Come on now - I know you feel a little silly or don't know what to say. Just say a simple hi and sign your name. I know there are lots of you that read but never comment. It will please me to no end to find out all who come here. Call me an attention hound, but it will help me to get through the next few days to see all of your names. Indulge me please!

And just because you've told me before that you read, doesn't mean you are off the hook. And incompetence isn't an excuse either. If you have trouble leaving a comment, click the Label titled "Leaving Comments" on the bar at the right hand side of the page. You will find instructions there to help you.

Ali Ali Oxen Free! Come out, come out whoever you are!

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