There are some days when I feel okay about the decision and know it is the best thing to do. Other days, I am anxious and dreadful of the whole process. I don’t want to cut off one of the lovelier parts of my body. I think I can eventually get over the cosmetic aspects of the ordeal but I absolutely hate the idea of having a numb chest for the rest of my life. How weird will that be?
I had originally intended to have my ovaries removed in November – but I just couldn’t find the motivation to schedule a date. Not sure when I’ll get around to doing that. In truth, I am existing in a bubble of denial right now. I don’t think about the surgeries much because it makes me anxious. I am still trying to adjust to the current body changes I feel. I am constantly surprised that my muscles don’t behave the same way they once did. Will my legs ever return to the level of strength and flexibility I had before? I wonder if the feeling will ever return to my fingers and toes. And I seem to have no control over my body temperature. One minute I am burning up with hot flashes, the next minute I’m freezing. Will I ever sleep through the entire night again? I wake a dozen times - either wet from sweat or shivering cold. Hair. I would love to have some hair again. It would also be nice if that extra 10 pounds would melt away. I don’t recognize my own image in the mirror.
Here I am complaining once more. I don’t mean to be so negative. Life is not bad. I am grateful for a treatment plan that offers me a great chance for a cure and decreases the possibility for a recurrence. It’s just hard getting used to a new body and knowing that there are bigger changes coming.
I am not alone in this journey. My sister has also tested positive for the breast cancer gene mutation. She had non-invasive breast cancer 18 years ago and had a single mastectomy at that time. Now that she has tested positive for the gene mutation, she is having the other breast and her ovaries removed in late December. I will go to Nashville to be with her, but I can never repay all the time she spent with me during chemo.
I guess it will give me an opportunity to see the experience first-hand and better prepare myself. We are having completely different types of surgery, but I’m sure there will be many similarities. I will either walk away scared to death or more certain of my capacity to handle the surgery. Hopefully the later of the two:)
More details about the surgery later. For now…. denial reigns.
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3 comments:
Sherri Jo,
Catching up with you.
Darling you have wonderful taste and right now you are in the mist of a big remodeling project.
Your body is not YOU it is just the house your spirit lives in.
So imagine the way you will look when you are done and pamper yourself, go have a make up day and let someone put those false eyelashes on you.
Bravo for gym time. Wish I could come and join you.
Love and Good wishes,
Susan in Illinois
Sherri Jo,
My family has made me the sacrificial goat! I go for genetic testing next month. My oncologist was very appreciative of the information you sent. I will let you know what I find out.
I am praying for you daily.
Libby McLemore Burroughs
Susan - I'm just glad they have the "parts" available for my remodeling!
Libby - As if you haven't been through enough already! I guess they figure you are used to having needle sticks! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a negative result. Just remember - a negative result for you doesn't clear all the other goats!
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