15 Minutes

This period has to be one of the hardest parts. The waiting. I can't believe it's taking so long to complete the initial screening tests and make a plan. I'm ready to move forward. Today. I can't go more than about 15 minutes with out the cancer thoughts returning to my head. I want to know what the plan is and start implementing it. I feel a bit like a pregnant woman; I want to nest. I feel like I should be doing something to get ready... at home and at work.

Concurrently, I feel paralyzed with indecision. I know I can't just put my life on hold - but at the same time I don't feel like I can make any dependable plans until I have more information. I am second guessing every decision. Should I go to Baltimore next week for work? Should I still take the time off from work to go skiing the last week in March? But it's smaller things, too. Should I buy this pair of pants - or am I gonna have weight fluctuations that make them unwearable? And it moves on into the absurd - Should I have chicken or beef enchiladas? I can't decide which would taste better to me. For whatever reason, all decisions are hard right now.