I cannot begin to tell you how much this blog has meant to my recovery process. It has been such a great outlet for my anxiety and a wonderful way to keep in touch with family and friends. In fact, I have discovered a whole community of cancer bloggers on the net. Every time I have a new concern or face a new procedure, I search for the words of those who have walked before me. Their first-hand accounts are often more helpful (and more informative!) than any doctor’s explanation. Not to mention the fact that they are available 24/7 and I can access them in my own time from my own home. It is a virtual support group.
I have posted links in my sidebar to a few of the cancer blogs that I read regularly. If you have found your way here because you are facing cancer yourself, I encourage you to use the side bar as a starting point to connect with others. You’ll be glad you did.
Surgery Update:
My own recovery is still going well. The heat rash that is under both breasts and halfway down to my stomach is finally abating. The itching was driving me NUTS and I was worried that it was going to get into my incisions and therefore into my expanders. THAT would not be good! I have to say, my pain is still very prevalent. How do I describe it? Feels like they cut a hole in my chest wall, shoved a large rock inside, and then sewed it back up. Oh wait – that’s exactly what they did! The pain isn’t intense or unbearable in any way… it’s just every present. I feel okay, but I’m at that point right now where I’m tired of being sore and beginning to wonder if my body will ever feel well again. A little more time…. Just need a little more time.
I was planning to go to work for a few hours this week, but there is freezing rain outside tonight so I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Wish it would be a pretty snowfall, but it looks like it will be crippling ice. Keep your fingers crossed that we don’t lose power!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Eli
My most tender spot in this whole cancer process has been my son, Eli. I cannot bear to think of my sweet boy losing his mother. I think losing your mother at an early age is one of the worst things that can happen to a person and I would never want to fail Eli in that way. I may not be the absolute best mother in the world , but I am a pretty good one… and I am his.
The day before my surgery, I took him to my mom’s house to spend the night. When it came time for me to leave, we hugged and he began to cry – it’s the first time he has shown such emotion about my illness. I had been strong all day but when Eli started to cry and say he was scared of losing me – I started to cry too. I can’t stand the idea of him being frightened or hurt. I wish I had been a little stronger as I’m sure my own tears were not very assuring to him. But we both pulled it together and I assured him that I would be okay. We would get through this surgery just like we had gotten through everything else. Whoa – that was a tough moment. I cried all the way home.
I have tried to keep Eli’s teacher at school informed of my progress. I figure it helps if she knows about any stresses we are experiencing. She acknowledged that Eli worries about me and took a simple action to help him with his anxiety. A day or two after I returned home from the hospital, she asked each of his classmates to make a get well card for me! It was a wonderful way to help Eli to deal with his anxiety and get a little support from his friends. Bringing home the cards really helped him feel like he was contributing to my recovery. This project was a fabulous gesture by his teacher; some adults just get it. Here they all are:
The cards were adorable and a real treat. Here are a few of my favorites:
What fun! Thank you to Eli, his teacher, Ms. Smith, and all of his classmates. The cards made me feel great!
The day before my surgery, I took him to my mom’s house to spend the night. When it came time for me to leave, we hugged and he began to cry – it’s the first time he has shown such emotion about my illness. I had been strong all day but when Eli started to cry and say he was scared of losing me – I started to cry too. I can’t stand the idea of him being frightened or hurt. I wish I had been a little stronger as I’m sure my own tears were not very assuring to him. But we both pulled it together and I assured him that I would be okay. We would get through this surgery just like we had gotten through everything else. Whoa – that was a tough moment. I cried all the way home.
I have tried to keep Eli’s teacher at school informed of my progress. I figure it helps if she knows about any stresses we are experiencing. She acknowledged that Eli worries about me and took a simple action to help him with his anxiety. A day or two after I returned home from the hospital, she asked each of his classmates to make a get well card for me! It was a wonderful way to help Eli to deal with his anxiety and get a little support from his friends. Bringing home the cards really helped him feel like he was contributing to my recovery. This project was a fabulous gesture by his teacher; some adults just get it. Here they all are:
The cards were adorable and a real treat. Here are a few of my favorites:
What fun! Thank you to Eli, his teacher, Ms. Smith, and all of his classmates. The cards made me feel great!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Free At Last!
I was able to get my drains removed on Friday! You don't know how wonderful it feels to be free of those juice boxes on steroids. My sister had cute little drains the size of Easter eggs, but not me. Take a look at how big those things were; and remember I had one on each side. I threw in the juice pack for a size reference. If a little bit of blood makes you queasy, you might want to skip this post:
I feel like a new woman without them. Moving is easier and sleeping is much more comfortable. Hurray for progress!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Comcast Cable Sucks!
It seems every time I am sick and stay home for the day, the fricking cable goes out and it takes two days to get a repairman to the house. Why must I have such a sympathetic cable box that goes down when I am down? ARGHHHHHH! I just want to watch some stupid tv and I can’t!
Okay, okay…. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to do something else. Guess I’ll dive into The Shack – a novel given to me by a colleague for my recovery period. Maybe some great inspiration or introspection awaits me there.
Okay, letting go of my anger and opening myself up to the discoveries the universe has to offer today. Report back later.
Okay, okay…. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to do something else. Guess I’ll dive into The Shack – a novel given to me by a colleague for my recovery period. Maybe some great inspiration or introspection awaits me there.
Okay, letting go of my anger and opening myself up to the discoveries the universe has to offer today. Report back later.
Notes On Healing
I would say the healing process is going well so far. I am quite sore and have a very limited range of motion, but I feel good. The drains are a real pain and they are WAY bigger than anything I ever expected; think juice box on steroids. I’m not exaggerating! The doctor was optimistic that the drains will be removed on Thursday when I see him; I sure hope he’s right.
Sitting up from a reclining position is one of the most difficult movements for me. At one point, I found myself lying flat on my back and could not get up! I laid there with my arms and legs up in the air wiggling like a dying cockroach until Ben helped me up! Geez! It goes without saying that I am much more comfortable sitting upright than reclining or lying down. This fact makes sleeping a bit difficult. I can only sleep an hour or so at a time without having to painfully sit up and readjust my body. But it’s okay because I don’t have to be anywhere nor does anybody expect anything of me right now:) I can nap as often as I need.
I slept in late this morning and then my mother-in-law came by and helped me to take a bath. I haven't had anyone help me with a bath since I was a child, but it’s hard to bath by yourself when you have drains on steroids! Plus, I can’t reach all areas of my body due to my limited range of motion. My mother-in-law is a retired nurse so she was good at helping me with this task. It felt great to wash all the hospital gunk off my body and get a fresh start.
After getting clean, I ate a little lunch and took all of my meds. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard and took too many pills at one time. I took 2 antibiotics, 3 vitamins and a pain pill. I should know better. (Shaking head.) About 15 minutes later I lost all of my lunch. Eeowww… it is NOT fun to throw up when you have a tender, sore chest. (Note to self – DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN!!) It took me a couple of hours to recover from this little mishap, but rest assured I will not repeat that mistake. I may lay off the vitamins until the antibiotics are complete. Eck!
And I have to say, the breasts look way better than I imagined they would at this stage. As I stated previously, I can see the potential for good things to happen and I am very thankful I have such great doctors. I think I wasted a lot of energy worrying about the cosmetic outcome. I still have a long way to go, and there is still a possibility of complications, but I am feeling very optimistic about the final result. It’s gonna be okay.
Yep, it's all gonna be okay.
Sitting up from a reclining position is one of the most difficult movements for me. At one point, I found myself lying flat on my back and could not get up! I laid there with my arms and legs up in the air wiggling like a dying cockroach until Ben helped me up! Geez! It goes without saying that I am much more comfortable sitting upright than reclining or lying down. This fact makes sleeping a bit difficult. I can only sleep an hour or so at a time without having to painfully sit up and readjust my body. But it’s okay because I don’t have to be anywhere nor does anybody expect anything of me right now:) I can nap as often as I need.
I slept in late this morning and then my mother-in-law came by and helped me to take a bath. I haven't had anyone help me with a bath since I was a child, but it’s hard to bath by yourself when you have drains on steroids! Plus, I can’t reach all areas of my body due to my limited range of motion. My mother-in-law is a retired nurse so she was good at helping me with this task. It felt great to wash all the hospital gunk off my body and get a fresh start.
After getting clean, I ate a little lunch and took all of my meds. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard and took too many pills at one time. I took 2 antibiotics, 3 vitamins and a pain pill. I should know better. (Shaking head.) About 15 minutes later I lost all of my lunch. Eeowww… it is NOT fun to throw up when you have a tender, sore chest. (Note to self – DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN!!) It took me a couple of hours to recover from this little mishap, but rest assured I will not repeat that mistake. I may lay off the vitamins until the antibiotics are complete. Eck!
And I have to say, the breasts look way better than I imagined they would at this stage. As I stated previously, I can see the potential for good things to happen and I am very thankful I have such great doctors. I think I wasted a lot of energy worrying about the cosmetic outcome. I still have a long way to go, and there is still a possibility of complications, but I am feeling very optimistic about the final result. It’s gonna be okay.
Yep, it's all gonna be okay.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Brief Update
Super quick update…. The surgery went smoothly! There were no complications and I didn’t have an ounce of nausea in recovery. The first 24 hours were pretty painful but it has leveled out now and I’m tolerating the pain okay. I wound up staying two nights at the hospital instead of one – mostly because I needed the morphine for pain management. I also spiked a fever of 102 which had everyone worried for awhile, but it seems it was just my body’s reaction to the trauma it experienced.
The breast mounds look pretty weird and uneven, but the nipples look great. My skin has good capillary refill which is a good sign that the skin is going to survive. I can see the potential for a decent set of ta-tas once we start blowing them up with saline.
That’s all the news for now! I’m glad to be home and to have the worst part behind me! I'll post more later.
The breast mounds look pretty weird and uneven, but the nipples look great. My skin has good capillary refill which is a good sign that the skin is going to survive. I can see the potential for a decent set of ta-tas once we start blowing them up with saline.
That’s all the news for now! I’m glad to be home and to have the worst part behind me! I'll post more later.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
So Long Ole Gals!
To my breasts:
So long ole gals. I was a skinny, gangly teenager when you first appeared - practically overnight. In the beginning, I may have been shy and embarassed by the attention boys gave to you, but later I enjoyed going braless and teasing boys with the possibility of a caress. You seldom failed at getting attention. In more recent years, I was so happy you provided nurishment for my infant son and I will never forget the contented look on his face when he fell asleep nursing. Yes, you have provided me with some great years, but it is time for you to go. I will miss you terribly and I hope your new "sisters" will provide another set of fond memories.
5:45 a.m. and I will be at the hospital ready to go. Surgery is at 7:15 and I will slide into recovery around 3:00 p.m.
Lots of dear angels out there have been asking me how they can help during my recovery. I have a hard time knowing what I might need, but I finally came up with a couple of ideas. First, for those of you who live in Little Rock, I would love it if you would bring me lunch one day. I’ll be stuck here at the house for a few weeks and I would love to share a quick meal with you. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy – just a sandwich or something small. If you can sneak away on your lunch hour one day, give me a call and see if I'm up for company.
For those of you far away, I would love it if you would post a comment and recommend a funny movie for me to watch during my days off. You know what they say about laughter being the best medicine. Also, a good belly laugh is supposed to get your heart rate up and that will help with blood flow to the skin on my newly formed breasts. I like all kinds of silly movies, new and old, so tell me about a few that tickle your funny bone.
Thanks for all the good wishes. They make me feel great. As always, I'll talk to ya'll on the other side of this mess. Think happy thoughts!
So long ole gals. I was a skinny, gangly teenager when you first appeared - practically overnight. In the beginning, I may have been shy and embarassed by the attention boys gave to you, but later I enjoyed going braless and teasing boys with the possibility of a caress. You seldom failed at getting attention. In more recent years, I was so happy you provided nurishment for my infant son and I will never forget the contented look on his face when he fell asleep nursing. Yes, you have provided me with some great years, but it is time for you to go. I will miss you terribly and I hope your new "sisters" will provide another set of fond memories.
5:45 a.m. and I will be at the hospital ready to go. Surgery is at 7:15 and I will slide into recovery around 3:00 p.m.
Lots of dear angels out there have been asking me how they can help during my recovery. I have a hard time knowing what I might need, but I finally came up with a couple of ideas. First, for those of you who live in Little Rock, I would love it if you would bring me lunch one day. I’ll be stuck here at the house for a few weeks and I would love to share a quick meal with you. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy – just a sandwich or something small. If you can sneak away on your lunch hour one day, give me a call and see if I'm up for company.
For those of you far away, I would love it if you would post a comment and recommend a funny movie for me to watch during my days off. You know what they say about laughter being the best medicine. Also, a good belly laugh is supposed to get your heart rate up and that will help with blood flow to the skin on my newly formed breasts. I like all kinds of silly movies, new and old, so tell me about a few that tickle your funny bone.
Thanks for all the good wishes. They make me feel great. As always, I'll talk to ya'll on the other side of this mess. Think happy thoughts!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Counting Down
Only one more day before the big surgery. I am a bundle of anxiety. I have had too long to think about this surgery; I’m just ready to get it over!
I met with the breast surgeon one last time – not the plastic surgeon – but the oncology surgeon that performs the actually mastectomy. Yes – I have two doctors for this surgery. The oncology surgeon removes all the breast tissue and the plastic surgeon takes over to perform the reconstruction part.
I am using a different oncology surgeon than the one that performed my lumpectomy. I have chosen Dr. Susan Klimberg because she is the only surgeon in town (that I can find) that performs a nipple sparing mastectomy. If you are uncomfortable reading about my nipples – then please skip the next paragraph!
I have chosen to have a nipple sparing mastectomy. This means they will leave my nipples in place. They won’t have any sensation, but I think it will make me feel more natural when all is said and done. There are risks, however. Sometimes, the surgeon can remove just a little too much tissue and the blood flow to the nipple is compromised. If the blood flow is compromised, the nipple could die and then it would have to be removed. That would mean another surgery- yikes! And because I’ve had a lumpectomy and there is a nice scar across my chest, there is a chance that blood flow to my left nipple is already compromised. So it is a little risky for me. But Dr. Klimberg says you can’t hit a home run if you don’t step up to the plate, so I am willing to take the risk.
I have started a course of 3 different antibiotics and a regimen of vitamins prescribed by the doctor. She wants me to take 10,000 iu of A, 1,000 iu of C, and 220 iu of zinc – That’s a butt load of zinc!!! Wish I had started the vitamins earlier, but at least I’ve got them now. Infection is probably my worst enemy in this whole process. NO INFECTION ALLOWED!
I asked the doctor if I would be ready to go back to work in two weeks since I have a desk job. She smiled and shook her head. “No darling, don’t you dare go back to work after two weeks.” You give yourself a month off.” So we shall see… Four weeks seems like such a long time.
I wish I could just skip tomorrow and go straight to surgery. The anxiety is kinda wearing me out. But I have a busy day at work and it will be a decent distraction.
Keep sending those good thoughts and prayers.
I met with the breast surgeon one last time – not the plastic surgeon – but the oncology surgeon that performs the actually mastectomy. Yes – I have two doctors for this surgery. The oncology surgeon removes all the breast tissue and the plastic surgeon takes over to perform the reconstruction part.
I am using a different oncology surgeon than the one that performed my lumpectomy. I have chosen Dr. Susan Klimberg because she is the only surgeon in town (that I can find) that performs a nipple sparing mastectomy. If you are uncomfortable reading about my nipples – then please skip the next paragraph!
I have chosen to have a nipple sparing mastectomy. This means they will leave my nipples in place. They won’t have any sensation, but I think it will make me feel more natural when all is said and done. There are risks, however. Sometimes, the surgeon can remove just a little too much tissue and the blood flow to the nipple is compromised. If the blood flow is compromised, the nipple could die and then it would have to be removed. That would mean another surgery- yikes! And because I’ve had a lumpectomy and there is a nice scar across my chest, there is a chance that blood flow to my left nipple is already compromised. So it is a little risky for me. But Dr. Klimberg says you can’t hit a home run if you don’t step up to the plate, so I am willing to take the risk.
I have started a course of 3 different antibiotics and a regimen of vitamins prescribed by the doctor. She wants me to take 10,000 iu of A, 1,000 iu of C, and 220 iu of zinc – That’s a butt load of zinc!!! Wish I had started the vitamins earlier, but at least I’ve got them now. Infection is probably my worst enemy in this whole process. NO INFECTION ALLOWED!
I asked the doctor if I would be ready to go back to work in two weeks since I have a desk job. She smiled and shook her head. “No darling, don’t you dare go back to work after two weeks.” You give yourself a month off.” So we shall see… Four weeks seems like such a long time.
I wish I could just skip tomorrow and go straight to surgery. The anxiety is kinda wearing me out. But I have a busy day at work and it will be a decent distraction.
Keep sending those good thoughts and prayers.
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