Re-Entry

We are back from the slopes and I guess tomorrow means re-entry into the real world again. The friends, sunshine and cool mountain air really were helpful for my anxiety. The mountains are so beautiful, the sky is unbelievably blue, and we had one fun day of hard snow. I had stretches of several hours at a time without thinking about cancer. I somehow thought that this vacation would give me time to contemplate treatment decisions in a relaxed manner and gather opinions from my friends, but in truth is was more of a distraction than anything. I am not much closer to any kind of decision about surgery. It's funny, as much as I was distracted during my vacation, I find it humorous how easily my mind wanders back to cancer. Some one might say “pass the salt, please” and I swear I heard “do you have metastases?” The brain is a strange thing….

I will have the second biopsy on Wednesday to gather more info (I need to double check that date!) My poor little boob is just now losing bruises from the previous procedure and the hematoma is still present. This biopsy will be MRI guided – which means another trip into that tiny tube I hate. (Deep breaths…) It sounds like quite a sophisticated procedure. They place you on your stomach with your breast hanging through a hole. They place some kind of grid around your breast and slide you into the MRI machine and take images. Then they slide you out of the MRI machine but you stay on the table with your breast nestled in the grid. They use the images from the MRI and the grid to show them where to insert the needle. All of this means you have to lie very still with your boob in a vise grip for about an hour. Not painful – just uncomfortable. Maybe I will get another valium :) And please – no hematoma this time!

If the biopsy is cancerous, then there won’t be a choice – I will have a mastectomy. If the biopsy is benign, I am back to making a choice between lumpectomy and mastectomy. I am still torn. It amazes me how quickly people jump to the conclusion of “cut them off - you don’t need them!” It just isn’t that simple and the medical evidence doesn’t support that. I still have a lot of decision making to do. Ugh. I am terrible at making decisions.

I have come to accept the idea of the chemo. From what I read, it just isn’t the horror that it used to be so many years ago. It isn’t fun, of course, but it sounds manageable. Losing the hair doesn’t freak me out too much… but still I’m not looking forward to it. The nausea scares me the most. I am a puker.

We have given Eli some basic facts about the cancer, but haven’t told him much. He is very protective of me and I wanted his spring break to be free of worry. We have talked about the surgical options openly in front of him, but I haven’t told him about the chemo yet. I think the chemo will scare him a bit so I am holding off until the next biopsy is complete. I am trying to unveil things to him one at a time so that he isn’t overwhelmed. When I told him I have cancer, he asked me if I was going to die. Gulp. I told him no. I said there are good kinds of cancer and bad kinds of cancer and that I have a good kind – it’s just going to take a lot of treatment to make it go away. All of the books I have read suggest that you be completely honest with kids, but I couldn’t find the words to tell him that there is maybe a 15% chance I won’t beat this disease. I just don’t think he needs to hear that at this time.

(By the way, I have to mention that Eli is a truly gifted skier and it is such a joy to see him fly down the mountain. He has skied a total of 4 weeks only in his entire life and he can handle just about anything the mountain has to offer – with the exception of a few extreme, double black diamond runs. Steepness, moguls, jumps, iciness… he handles it all. Skiing is truly his sport.)

So, distractions are over; back to reality tomorrow. It will be hard. Work looms, school goes on, the laundry still needs washing… and treatment decisions have to be made.

Thanks to everyone that encouraged me to go skiing and that sent good wishes while we were there. And thank you to all my friends that helped with the distraction during the trip: Mimi, Herman, Jane, Sean, Ruth, Mike, and Frank. It was a much needed vacation.

And of course, thank you to Ben and Eli for going with me and for waiting at the bottom of every hill for me to catch up:)