Here They Come Into The Stretch!

I love the horse races! And on President’s Day, I had good reason. I went to the races with my husband and some friends and walked away a pretty big winner. I bet on every race, ate and drank all day, and still walked away with $75 MORE in my pocket than when I began. Not bad, eh? I even hit a trifecta bet – that’s where you pick the first, second and third place horses all in the correct order! All in all, I cashed in 7 winning tickets! That’s what you call a phenomenal day at the track! We also got to see Old Fashioned (see photo) win the Southwest Stakes. That means he is now the leading favorite to win the Kentucky Derby – and who knows, maybe even the Triple Crown.

I wish I could say I won because of my genius ability to read the race form and calculate all the odds. I do know how to read the form and interpret some of the data – but let’s be honest – there’s an awful lot of luck involved! One time I bet and won money on a horse simply because I liked her name – Tricky Jo.

It occurs to me that treatment for cancer is a little like the horse races. You do the research, you weigh all the factors, you consider the odds, and then you choose the treatments that are best for you. I think I have done well in that department. I looked at all the options and made the wisest choices in my cancer treatment. I think I have done everything possible to eradicate the disease. But in the end, it still requires a little bit of luck. Did we get every cancer cell that was floating around my body? I sure hope luck is with me.

My mastectomy recovery is still going well, albeit a bit tiresome. Indeed, the first expansion rounded things out a bit and the second expansion is set for later this week. I have to say, these lumps on the front of my chest may look like boobs but they do not feel like boobs nor do they feel like a part of my body. It feels as if someone strapped two tin cans to the front of my chest with tight elastic straps and some days I am simply ready to take them off. Everyone swears the permanent implants will feel much softer and I sure hope they are right. I guess I need to adjust and set my own heart straight. These lumps will be with me until the end of May or the beginning of June. I still have a ways to go.

One of the best parts of the horse races is when you hear the announcer say, “And here they come into the stretch!” It means the horses are nearing the finish line. The tension builds and everyone jumps to their feet with excitement. Can the leader hang on? Who’s that coming up on the outside? People screaming, “Go horse! Go!” And then in a blink… it’s over.

I can’t wait for the day when I can say, “And here she comes into the final stretch of her cancer treatment.” It won’t be too much longer, but there are a few more months and a few more surgeries to go. And then in a blink – it will all be over.

Isn't it funny how I can turn even a fun day at the races into a cancer analogy? Ah well... this too shall one day pass:)

Mark Twain

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. "

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Just Call Me Skipper!

I'm not crazy - she did exist! Growing Up Skipper was released in 1975. Turn her left arm backwards and she grows a modest bust line, slimmer waist and becomes 3/4" taller! Turning the arm back again reverts her to the previous shape. Here she is in all her glory:

And just so you can see that I'm not making this up, here are photos of Skipper's "expansion:"

I wish my breast expansion was as easy as turning my arm around. And I wish a slimmer waist and a bit of height came along with the whole package!

What a crazy world we live in. Just call me Skipper!

Blow Up Doll

I am now officially a blow up doll! I had my first expansion injection on Thursday. What a strange experience!

The doctor uses a magnet to find the metal port in the breast expander and marks its location on my skin with a a sharpie pen. Didn't you think it would be something more high tech than a magnet and a sharpie? Next he inserts a needle into the port and begins to inject saline into the expander. Since I don't have any feeling in my breasts, the needle doesn't hurt. The saline, however, feels quite strange. It's kinda hard to explain, really.... I guess you would call it tightness and pressure. Certainly not a feeling I've had before. He injected 50 cc into each breast.

I felt a little tender and sore later that afternoon, but nothing too severe. I did take a sleeping pill that night and it worked like a charm. I have been sleeping on the couch since my surgery because I am still uncomfortable lying down. I have developed a nest of pillows that allows me to sleep propped up. It seems like the couch would be an uncomfortable place to sleep, but it's not for me.

The doctor says I will probably have 3 more injections spaced out at every two weeks. Once we reach the size we want, we will sit for two months before the exchange surgery. Two months! I didn't realize it was quite so long. What a strange process this is!

I have been having these "memories" about a doll that grows boobs. You twist her arm over her head and her boobs pop out. Twist it back and the boobs go away. Did I make this up in my imagination or was it real? I tried a google search but didn't come up with anything. Did I dream this? Maybe I just have a vivid imagination! If anybody remembers such a thing, please let me know. I feel kinda like one of those dolls.

So.... one injection down and three more to go!

Cancer Bloggers

I cannot begin to tell you how much this blog has meant to my recovery process. It has been such a great outlet for my anxiety and a wonderful way to keep in touch with family and friends. In fact, I have discovered a whole community of cancer bloggers on the net. Every time I have a new concern or face a new procedure, I search for the words of those who have walked before me. Their first-hand accounts are often more helpful (and more informative!) than any doctor’s explanation. Not to mention the fact that they are available 24/7 and I can access them in my own time from my own home. It is a virtual support group.

I have posted links in my sidebar to a few of the cancer blogs that I read regularly. If you have found your way here because you are facing cancer yourself, I encourage you to use the side bar as a starting point to connect with others. You’ll be glad you did.

Surgery Update:
My own recovery is still going well. The heat rash that is under both breasts and halfway down to my stomach is finally abating. The itching was driving me NUTS and I was worried that it was going to get into my incisions and therefore into my expanders. THAT would not be good! I have to say, my pain is still very prevalent. How do I describe it? Feels like they cut a hole in my chest wall, shoved a large rock inside, and then sewed it back up. Oh wait – that’s exactly what they did! The pain isn’t intense or unbearable in any way… it’s just every present. I feel okay, but I’m at that point right now where I’m tired of being sore and beginning to wonder if my body will ever feel well again. A little more time…. Just need a little more time.

I was planning to go to work for a few hours this week, but there is freezing rain outside tonight so I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Wish it would be a pretty snowfall, but it looks like it will be crippling ice. Keep your fingers crossed that we don’t lose power!

Eli

My most tender spot in this whole cancer process has been my son, Eli. I cannot bear to think of my sweet boy losing his mother. I think losing your mother at an early age is one of the worst things that can happen to a person and I would never want to fail Eli in that way. I may not be the absolute best mother in the world , but I am a pretty good one… and I am his.

The day before my surgery, I took him to my mom’s house to spend the night. When it came time for me to leave, we hugged and he began to cry – it’s the first time he has shown such emotion about my illness. I had been strong all day but when Eli started to cry and say he was scared of losing me – I started to cry too. I can’t stand the idea of him being frightened or hurt. I wish I had been a little stronger as I’m sure my own tears were not very assuring to him. But we both pulled it together and I assured him that I would be okay. We would get through this surgery just like we had gotten through everything else. Whoa – that was a tough moment. I cried all the way home.

I have tried to keep Eli’s teacher at school informed of my progress. I figure it helps if she knows about any stresses we are experiencing. She acknowledged that Eli worries about me and took a simple action to help him with his anxiety. A day or two after I returned home from the hospital, she asked each of his classmates to make a get well card for me! It was a wonderful way to help Eli to deal with his anxiety and get a little support from his friends. Bringing home the cards really helped him feel like he was contributing to my recovery. This project was a fabulous gesture by his teacher; some adults just get it. Here they all are:



The cards were adorable and a real treat. Here are a few of my favorites:

What fun! Thank you to Eli, his teacher, Ms. Smith, and all of his classmates. The cards made me feel great!

Free At Last!

I was able to get my drains removed on Friday! You don't know how wonderful it feels to be free of those juice boxes on steroids. My sister had cute little drains the size of Easter eggs, but not me. Take a look at how big those things were; and remember I had one on each side. I threw in the juice pack for a size reference. If a little bit of blood makes you queasy, you might want to skip this post:

I feel like a new woman without them. Moving is easier and sleeping is much more comfortable. Hurray for progress!

Comcast Cable Sucks!

It seems every time I am sick and stay home for the day, the fricking cable goes out and it takes two days to get a repairman to the house. Why must I have such a sympathetic cable box that goes down when I am down? ARGHHHHHH! I just want to watch some stupid tv and I can’t!

Okay, okay…. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to do something else. Guess I’ll dive into The Shack – a novel given to me by a colleague for my recovery period. Maybe some great inspiration or introspection awaits me there.

Okay, letting go of my anger and opening myself up to the discoveries the universe has to offer today. Report back later.

Notes On Healing

I would say the healing process is going well so far. I am quite sore and have a very limited range of motion, but I feel good. The drains are a real pain and they are WAY bigger than anything I ever expected; think juice box on steroids. I’m not exaggerating! The doctor was optimistic that the drains will be removed on Thursday when I see him; I sure hope he’s right.

Sitting up from a reclining position is one of the most difficult movements for me. At one point, I found myself lying flat on my back and could not get up! I laid there with my arms and legs up in the air wiggling like a dying cockroach until Ben helped me up! Geez! It goes without saying that I am much more comfortable sitting upright than reclining or lying down. This fact makes sleeping a bit difficult. I can only sleep an hour or so at a time without having to painfully sit up and readjust my body. But it’s okay because I don’t have to be anywhere nor does anybody expect anything of me right now:) I can nap as often as I need.

I slept in late this morning and then my mother-in-law came by and helped me to take a bath. I haven't had anyone help me with a bath since I was a child, but it’s hard to bath by yourself when you have drains on steroids! Plus, I can’t reach all areas of my body due to my limited range of motion. My mother-in-law is a retired nurse so she was good at helping me with this task. It felt great to wash all the hospital gunk off my body and get a fresh start.

After getting clean, I ate a little lunch and took all of my meds. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard and took too many pills at one time. I took 2 antibiotics, 3 vitamins and a pain pill. I should know better. (Shaking head.) About 15 minutes later I lost all of my lunch. Eeowww… it is NOT fun to throw up when you have a tender, sore chest. (Note to self – DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN!!) It took me a couple of hours to recover from this little mishap, but rest assured I will not repeat that mistake. I may lay off the vitamins until the antibiotics are complete. Eck!

And I have to say, the breasts look way better than I imagined they would at this stage. As I stated previously, I can see the potential for good things to happen and I am very thankful I have such great doctors. I think I wasted a lot of energy worrying about the cosmetic outcome. I still have a long way to go, and there is still a possibility of complications, but I am feeling very optimistic about the final result. It’s gonna be okay.

Yep, it's all gonna be okay.

Brief Update

Super quick update…. The surgery went smoothly! There were no complications and I didn’t have an ounce of nausea in recovery. The first 24 hours were pretty painful but it has leveled out now and I’m tolerating the pain okay. I wound up staying two nights at the hospital instead of one – mostly because I needed the morphine for pain management. I also spiked a fever of 102 which had everyone worried for awhile, but it seems it was just my body’s reaction to the trauma it experienced.

The breast mounds look pretty weird and uneven, but the nipples look great. My skin has good capillary refill which is a good sign that the skin is going to survive. I can see the potential for a decent set of ta-tas once we start blowing them up with saline.

That’s all the news for now! I’m glad to be home and to have the worst part behind me! I'll post more later.